Fishing for Frod

Uggh. They sucked so bad last night. I took Mina and Tall Eric and they just stunk the joint up against the Rockets. Whew. Talk about a 7-6 Chinese reality check. Few good things: Some nice defence by Viktor Kryhapa blocking a T-Mac shot. A tasty no look alley-oop from Telfair to Outlaw. Some solid play from Joel "The Vanilla Gorilla" Przybilla early on and a good look at Ha Seung-Jin after Joel fouled out. Ha looked like shit. 0-6 with 4 fouls. I'm still sticking with my playoffs next year, contender the year after prediction but man oh man. Telfair says he's going to hit the gym this summer and put some real meat on his 6 foot frame. I gotta get that Jump book.

jesus, elliot and jesse....get a grip and put down the nba...otherwise there is gonna be an intevention....I can already see the veins bursting out of your respective brilliant heads....while your arteries corrode with polish sausage and coors lite, you bump elbows with the all the best beer bellied wife beaters and teenage white boy bigots with a fetish for negroes in shorts...you guys better not have started to wear cologne or I will be forced to drive thru the night in my brother's SUV and run you both down....after a couple rippers of course...

First of all, I'd like to distract everyone from Jesse's and my conversation about the Blazers to play you this rap song by Dee Dee Ramone (or Dee Dee King as he called himself on his rap record). Isn't that funny and weird?

Now with that out the way, I'd like to get back to the Blazers. I think we simply have a problem of deuling delusions, Mr. Baldwin. You are so blinded by your anger and disappointment at the destruction and mismanagment of your beloved franchise that you can bring yourself to be excited by the obvious potential that is apparent in this current lineup. Listen to yourself, man. You're pimping the Golden State Warriors. Get a grip, my man. Meanwhile, I am blinded by the hot hot heat of a new sports team passion that I overlook the obvious suckiness of this particular team and the front-office that created. Can you blame me for wanting to overlook the sight of millions of dollars worth of pouty bitch sitting on the bench every night?
The way I see it this is as bad as they get (and we're still not that bad. i.e. not as bad as the Lakers or the Jazz). If they don't win more games next year then they do this year I'll be confused and disturbed and I'll be more than happy to adopt a scolding and disapproving voice when I talk about the team. But let me tell you why they will be better:

1. A real coach - Pritchard's making shit up as he goes along. Bring in someone, anyone, with a reasonable game plan and some legit coaching skills and boom, we're instantly better. When I say anyone, I mean anyone. Bring Mo Cheeks back for a do-over and we'd still be better. Bring in someone with a fair ammount of experience coaching and winning in the NBA and we're a lot better. Paul Allen digs deep and we snag a Larry Brown or (god forbid, but whatever...) a Phil Jackson and we kick ass. There is admittedly a chance that we'll pick a real shit loser coach that will just suck worse than Pritchard. I hope that doesn't happen.

2. Sebastian Telfair, Travis Outlaw, and Viktor Kryhapa - These guys are fucking dope. Rookie-dope, to be sure, but dope nonetheless. Viktor was just 5-5 with 11pts in 8 minutes. And he's not even 100 percent healthy supposedly. Sebastian is definitely raw and needs to grow a lot and I admit, looks a lot like a high school kid occassionally. But having watched him intensely this past week live and in person I can tell you with out the slightest hesitation that this kid will fucking rule this league in the next few years. His shooting needs a lot of work, granted, but from what I've seen it's all head stuff. Decision making, confidence, things that can only come with time. And Outlaw has been the most fun to watch develop this year. His jump shot went from ugly to butter. I've seen him totally come off the bench and reverse the momentum of the game with steals and dunks. With summer league and training camps and a fresh start next year these three are all capable of having breakout years next year.

3. Sergei Monia - Word on the street is he's better than Kryhapa. What the Blazers need right now is to solve the Damon Stoudamire problem. Damon takes too many shots, plays shitty defense and seems to distract Telfair by being a sort of co-Point Guard. But right now he's our biggest scorer we have to give him 30 minutes a night. With Monia we get a legit SG who supposedly plays dope defence and passes the ball and we can either get rid of Damon or bring him off the bench to shoot threes.

4. Zach Randolph - Surgery could go bad but if it goes well (and Docs say it's in a part of the bone than Chris Webber or Jason Kidd's surgeries) and he comes back healthy, boom, we're back on track. No? Right now, at number four, if all these go according to plan, I feel like we're already a much much improved team. Maybe not playoff worthy or write home to mom about, but not a basement joke. Our playoff chances would die anti-climactically at the end of the season as opposed to right after the all star game. I haven't even dealt with all the dead wood like Derek Anderson, Nick Van Exel and Theo Ratliff. Keep 'em, trade 'em, dump 'em, I don't really think it matters that much. I feel like the core group I know is staying next year is dope and will get doper.

5. the Draft Pick - Losing has its privileges. It's looking pretty good for a top 5er. Did you watch the NCAA tournament? We could theoretically have almost anyone of those kids we wanted. It's always a gamble. We could pick a fuck-up or the kid could get hurt, who knows. But for some perspective let's look at recent #5 picks:

2004	Shaun Livingston (Clippers)
2003	Dwayne Wade (Miami)
2002	Nikoloz Tskitishvili (Golden State)
2001	Jason Richardson (Golden State)

Not bad. 3 dope players and shitty Russian. We don't pick shitty Russians. If there's one thing we're good at in the front office (and there might only be one thing) it's picking dope Russians.

Now, personally, in my admittedly optimistic view, I think all those things will go fairly well and none of them will be handled disastrously. I think in the end, the chance that they're doomed for several more years of shit-seasons is not as likely as the chance that they're in for several years of steady progress and development. So get your Blazer bashing in now while it's still sort of accurate.

PS Another costume idea...

That's all I hear from you people. Love to kick 'em while they're down and brag about how cool they were when you decided to like them. "Wah-wah-wah they were good back when I was a kid. Wah-wah-wah Bill Walton. Wah-wah-wah Clyde Drexler..." God, go play Bulls vs. Blazers on your Genesis and reminice while I'm feasting on Chalupas and watching Sebastian Telfair hit Travis Outlaw with the behind the back alley-oop for the two handed slamma-jamma.



And as far as your costuming is concerned I recommend something with robes and lots and lots of trunk jewelry. Kind of Isaac Hayes meets Mr. T. Or you could always rock it like "that-crazy-lady-from-the-Whitewater-trial":

Tonight, Jesse Lovejoy Baldwin, tonight I will have none of your Blazer-hatin'. Because TONIGHT. on this beautiful rainy Portland night (I don't give a fuck where you think you live these days, when you're on the Frodfish you're in Portland!) the Portland Motherfuckin' Trailblazers have beaten the Knicks! And I got my motherfucking Chalupa, beeyotch! Please excuse the extraneous "mothherfucker"s and "beeyotch"'s but I'm just a little bit excited about tonight's monster win. And I'm drunk. But that's neither here nor there. Acutally it was there cuz I sneaked three PBR's into the Rose Garden, motherfucker!!! Yeah, beeyotches!!! Ha, ha ha. But seriously, JB the Blazers are not bust. First let me say how awesome Qyntel Woods was. Dogfighting. Can you get more original than that? DUI? Yawn. Wife-beating? Been-there-done-that? Pot bust? What else ya got? Fighting pitbulls! Dang, homeboy, haven't seen that one in a while. I can't wait to hear about Sebastian Telfair's bust for trafficking in illigal immigrants and Joel Przybilla doing the perp walk for tax evasion. I think I read a rumor on dailykos that Ha Jeung Lin was actually the one who outed Valerie Plame.

Second, let me say the Blazers do not suck. Watching the Blazers play basketball does not suck. It is in fact quite enjoyable and I recommend it to all my friends. Unfortunately, all my friends are apparently total fucking losers who punk out on me come game time. First Sonya (who was given an opportunity to see her supposedly "beloved" Seattle Supersonics including the oh-so-sexy Ray Allen [aka Jesus Shuttlesworth] but instead decided to quote-unquote "work" for a quote-unquote "living".) gives me the run-around going from "I could be persuaded" to "I'm not so sure about the game tonight" to several overheard phone conversations with Awesomer-And-More Important-Friends each of which includes the catch phrase "Yeah, I'm not so sure I'm going to the game tonight." What did Sonya do tonight instead of watching Stephon Marbury get fucking embarassed by his baby cousin, Sebastian Telfair? Something to do with Chinese Food. Next, I call Tim because I know he's all inter-employed and shit and has tons of free time and whatnot... Rejected like Dikembe Mutombo trying to dunk on Travis Outlaw. Undaunted, I trekked out alone over the Burnside Bridge past the homeless people to the Max station and on to the Rose Garden Arena all by myself. $10 bucks and I'm in. Sat in the $20 seats (gofuckyourself Paul Allen!) and enjoyed some seriously awesome basketball:



Telfair was subdued and deferential to the obscenely hot-handed Damon Stoudamire. Sebastian just has this time-bomb stink about him like you know sooner or later he's just going to explode on some team. He's the leading scorer all-time in NYC high schools. In the NBA he's lucky to get 10 pts a game. Tonight he got like 6 with 6 pts. But I guarantee you, next year, he will double his average from this year. The Youth Movement's been chilled out ever since Ruben Patterson decided to come back. Instead of Telfair, Outaw, Kryhapa, Miles, Pryzbilla we've been seeing or the older Damon, Derek Anderson, Patterson, Abdur-Rahim, Ratliff, that almost beat the Sonics two nights ago, tonight we got a healthy mix of new and old. This allowed the Stoudamire/Abdur-Rahim axis to score most of the points and carry the team, while Joel Przybilla and Travis Outlaw got a lot of good minutes to develop and learn. Przy had a solid, scrappy game with 10pts and 15 rebs. T.O. looked so sweet hit jumpers, driving to the hoop and stealing passes. Squint your eyes and he's a young Tracy McGrady. No joke. Honestly, Jesse, no bullshit, with just a little luck the Blazers will make the playoffs next year. Next fucking year. And we won't have to worry about the bullshit Lakers. I'm telling you, all of you, get in on the ground floor now because the Blazers are going to be the premier franchise in the West in the next few years. As soon as Tim Duncan's ankles give out, we're going to be right there to take the crown from San Antonio.

and may I add that they are devastated here in Lawrence that the Jayhawks didn't make it past the first round of the NCAA for the first time since 1978.....they take their college basketball very very seriously here....woe is lawrence....

Yes! Jaiva steps on the scene! Mission accomplished. Now Jaiva, it's your job to wrangle Kevin into this conversation and we'll be good to go. I took Tim to see my beloved Blazers tonight and it was a mega-bummer. They were hangin' in their for 3 quarters and then they just let it go. None of my boys played spectacularly. Telfair missed a clutch 3 at the end and made me lose all faith in him. I'm hoping their draft pick this year will yield them the missing link who slaps this team together. Next year's gonna be dope. I gotta believe! Meanwhile, how 'bout that Vermont! Knockin' off Syracuse like that. Go UVM.

well, jaiva, indeed it is splendid to read your voice....hypersociability, ehh? ....think wright cronin....I think I may have suffered from that before....there must be some un-endearing aspects to it, though....pray elaborate....I am so curious....

I had to sit down and write this evening as I find myself in extraordinary circumstances that leave me simultaneously intrigued and apprehensive....and let me preface by saying that in the past week I have spent an arguably unhealthy amount of time watching court tv and grisley murder cases and reading my sisterinlawsstepfatherscott's book "Lustmord" which compiles all the great scribblings and letters and drawings of some of our favorite serial killers and all purpose psychopaths....so I am a little paranoid that someone is going to enter my bedroom in the middle of the night, tie me up with zip cord, and proceed to eat my flesh starting with my toes....and it was in this paranoia that I was basking in this afternoon while smoking a joint when the phone rang and mysisterinlawsmotherjanet called to let me know that she was bringing people home...lots of them...a whole family in fact...and they all had very biblical names....she had met them at church, when before the communion, the mother, a short elfin woman named cheryl, stood before the congregation and said that she and her family were traveling to Pennsylvania so that her husband could find work and they had very little money....her husband wasn't in the church, according to Janet, but waited outside....he was reading the Bible....so janet told cheryl that she, her husband, and thier seven children, ages between 2 and 15, could stay in the basement for the night and have a nice home cooked meal...the tykes are all very sweet and puritanical with names like ruth and malachi....I am praying they are not the children of the corn...the husband weirds me out...big bushy ted kasinski beard and a bit antsy...he wanted to watch the weather channel and sent the children up to request they eat downstairs so as to not subject the children to the large purebreed Labrodor, Jazz, who is nothing but a lump of sugar that hyperventilates and convulses when asleep, by the way....so they are down their now all huddled up presumably....I wonder if they are mormon or amish, as they are headed to Pennsylvania....maybe they can shack up with Elliot's family once in Lancaster....I'll be sure to provide a reference...that is if I make it through the night....you guys will know what happened...

I must put the true crime books down immediately!!...

Hope everyone is well....lock all your doors....there are some real crazies out there...toodles...

Frodfish Blazers Report



They looked really good! Seriously. I paid 19 bucks total, got a dope little seat a hot dog and a beer. Sebastian Telfair looked great. Made clutch shots, no look passes and few turnovers. He seems to get better and better with every game. The highlight for me has got to be the gutsy play of the veterans, Theo Ratliff and Shareef Abdur Raheem. Theo and Joel Pryzbilla are fucking nasty shot blockers. Theo's going to teach that kid a lot. Travis Outlaw and Darius Miles had flashes of brilliance, and Miles led the team in rebounds, but they seem like they still need the most work. I got to see the first basket by a South Korean in NBA history! They were suffocating on defence and had a nice rhythm on offence. Telfair's really devoloping some chemistry with guys like Pryzbilla and Richie Frahm.

That, Christopher, is Mt. St Helens totally blowing up. Plume 7 miles high. Tim thought it was a typhoon at first. Cuz he's from Thailand and they have those there. They're like huricanes but I think they spin in the opposite direction because of the Coriolis Effect.

well, for fucks sakes, jaiva, where art thou?...we must hear from you at this instant........I imagine you are some hotshot phorensic pathologist in the Baltimore area by now....or maybe you work with chimps or something....I always tell the story of the bug eating contest....I miss Jaiva....

anyhow, dean was alright....I got to shake his hand and all...and then I told him that is wife was the wretch of a motherless goat and he flipped out on me with some crazy dropkick shit....I was amazed at how small his hands are....he is a little man....a little BIG man, rather, as Bushwick Bill would say....

and what the hell is all that smoke with tim and sonya, elliot....what the christ happened...was that the end? tim? sonya?

talked to ayelet yesterday and looking forward to kicking it in NY next month...I wanna track Caleb down....I hear he's a band manager and manabouttown.....as well he damn should be....with his dapper makers mark ass....still very much eager to see jeff goldblum....

and you've probably all heard about gool ole BTK....just about 100 miles south of Lawrence in Wichita he was....right outta the church of christ....crazy barstard....I'm perfectly convinced that the most sadistic irreverent fuckers I ever met, I met in catholic school...

oh yeah...and all of you should come to my party tommorrow....there is gonna be a big surprise....I can't tell you what it is, but it rhymes with "Beth and Grenadine Man Snakes".....

I saw MC Chris the other night...., of aquateen hunger force lore....he is fairly ineterestingly annoyingly talented....

Ooooh boy oh boy. The Frodfish world keeps expanding. I've just recieved email confirmation that we'll soon have a new addition to the blog. I'll give you a hint.

Ka Blamo!